Kingdom Hearts on CARCK
by Nolita
Summary: A story of what it would be like if everyone in Castle Oblivion was high, 24/7.
1. What Marly Should've Been

Xigbar was not one to get annoyed very easily, but today, even one of the most bothersome members of Organization XIII was irritated. Marluxia was googling his name and complaining every two seconds about false rumors about him and Sephiroth.

"Oh, come _on_! EVERYONE knows that Cloud and Sephie are cannon!"

"SHUT UP, MARLY!"

"MAKE ME, zebra head!"

Just then, Xemnas stuck his head in the door.

"Zebra? Who said zebra? I LOVE zebras!"

Saïx gasped.

"I love zebras, too! We should have a zebra-themed party, and every nobody should come!"

Xemnas then gave him what started out as a high-five and ended up as a smack in the face. Saïx just stared at him with a half-drunk expression.

"We need a pet zebra, Superior. We should name it Riku."

"Yay!"

Number One and Number Seven then skipped out of the room, knocking over a fish tank in the process. The poor fish flapped around for about five seconds before it died.

Number Nine came rushing into the room.

"My fish-in-danger and water-on-the-ground senses! They were right!" He screamed, kneeling down near his beloved fish.

"It's okay, Bob! I'll build a grave for you. And since Marluxia didn't watch over you like he said he would, I'll use the flowers in his garden to decorate your grave!"

He picked up the fish and ran out of the room before Number Eleven could object and freak out.

Marluxia stopped googling and ran out of the room after Demyx.

"DON'TYOUDARETOUCHTHOSEGODDAMNFLOWERS!"

But it was too late. When Marluxia arrived at his place of refuge, his only peaceful spot, his heaven on the World That Never Was, his… okay, his _garden_, what he found wasn't a garden.

It was a water-soaked mud puddle with one flower left.

Marluxia screamed at the top of his lungs as he flopped down into the mud.

"I SHOULD'VE BEEN A FASHION GURU!"


	2. Xemnas is a Mommy

Demyx was very proud of his little fishy resting place. It was decorated with a whole entire pile of flowers.

He smiled to himself before returning back into the castle.

Marluxia, on the other hand, had no need at all to feel proud of himself, let alone get out of that mud puddle that used to be his pride and joy.

--

Xemnas giggled quite girlishly while he hung a banner over the dining table in room 666.

It said, "Congratulations, It's a Girl!".

But he was illiterate, so it didn't really make a difference to him. He just knew that banners were used at parties… uh, sometimes.

Saïx couldn't contain his laughter. It was even worse than the time Number One had tried to read an instruction manual for hair gel, and he thought the word 'concentration' was 'constipation'.

"Why are you laughing, Number Seven? Is the zebra party suddenly funny to you?"

"No. I just thought you'd like to know that you haven't had a daughter yet."

Xemnas choked on the Air That Never Was.

"I'M PREGNANT?!"

Saïx smiled mischievously.

"I'm the daddy!"

"_HOLY FING MOTHER OF A HEARTLESS_!"

--

Demyx walked into the Living Room That Never Was and sat on the couch.

"I miss Bob. He was my bestest friend in the whole non-existant-world."

"What about me?"

Number Nine turned around to see Zexion, who was leaning against the wall and staring at him.

"You kind of scare me, Number Six."

--

Xigbar went outside to see whether or not Marluxia had died of a heart attack.

"MARLY, DON'T EAT THE MUD! EEEW!"


	3. The Yaoi Channel

Xemnas didn't stop swearing until Saïx finally slapped his hand over his mouth.

"Shuddap! Let's just decorate for the zebra party!"

Xemnas nodded.

They continued to put zebra print streamers over everything, and soon Dining Room Number 666 was looking like a confusing jungle that no one would ever want to venture into… nor even look at, for fear of having a seizure.

--

Zexion smirked.

"I'm scary, am I?"

Demyx nodded quickly and turned the TV on.

It was the Yaoi Channel, and it definitely wasn't censored.

Number Nine screeched.

"XIGBAR, WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THE TV, CHANGE THE FRIGGEN CHANNEL!"

Xigbar couldn't hear Demyx yelling, for he was outside with the mud-guzzling Marluxia.

"Marly, you idiot! You can't eat mud! It's poisonous on other planets!"

Number Eleven mumbled through a mouth full of mud before spitting it out.

"I was just trying to find any survivors…"

"Survivors?"

"They all died but one," Marluxia said, pointing to the one alive flower at the edge of the giant mud puddle.

"So… you ate your flowers? You know, you could've just had the pizza that the Superior cooked."

"I'd rather die than eat his cooking. I found a piece of long blue hair in my lasagna once."

--

Saïx surveyed Dining Room 666.

"It looks very zebra-ish, Superior. Very… uhhh… zebra?"

Xemnas had a look of total glee on his face.

"I'm a mommy, Saïx!"

An evil grin was plastered on Saïx's face.

"No you're not. But we can ask Vexen to make you one."

--

Vexen was staring at the wall.

Good thing Marluxia isn't here, he thought, Or else I'd probably be going crazy at the moment.

Just then, Saïx and Xemnas burst through the door of his laboratory.

Xemnas yelled, "I WANT A BABY!"

Vexen let his forehead fall down onto his desk with a loud THUMP.


	4. Vexen, the Probe Man!

Vexen groaned.

"You DO know that's physically impossible, right?"

"Make it physically possible, then," Xemnas pleaded with his illiterate and probably negative-IQ might.

"Only if you do one thing for me."

"What's that?"

"Make sure Marluxia stays away from me. Send him out to walk the dog or something."

"We don't have a dog…"

"Yes we do," Vexen said, pointing to Saïx.

--

Zexion sighed.

"Why must everyone think I'm scary?"

"You're not scary," Demyx said. "You're just slightly frightening."

Zexion sat down on the Couch That Never Was and changed the Yaoi Channel to Animal Planet. And believe me, it didn't make much of a difference; it was mating season on the Sahara and the voyeur cameramen just couldn't pass up the chance to see two lions getting freaky.

Zexion went into the Bathroom That Never Was and threw up.

"Hey Zexion, did you know male lions do each other to establish dominance?"

Well, at least Demyx learned something that non-existant day.

--

Saïx did not like his job of keeping Marluxia busy. Especially since all Number Eleven was doing was sitting in his mud-garden and weeping uncontrollably about the poisons in manure.

"Get up, Number Eleven. We're going for a walk."

"To the flower store?"

"… Uh, no. Just for a walk."

"Fine. I'll go get your leash from Xemnas's room."

Saïx gave Marluxia a blank stare until he retreated into the castle covered in mud.

"How did he know?" Saïx whispered to himself.

--

Marluxia covered the perfectly white castle in a trail of mud, manure, and flower remains. He didn't really care, as long as Vexen was there to clean it up afterwards. He was always a neat freak.

In fact, he decided to visit his bed-buddy right now before he went for his walk. Leaving a trail of who-knows-what behind him, he headed to Vexen's laboratory.

--

As soon as the door to the laboratory flew open, Vexen knew which pink-haired menace it was.

"Marluxia, if you don't go away right now, I'll use this probe on you instead of Xemnas."

Number Eleven decided to come back later. It wasn't good to annoy Vexen when he has an instrument of butt-torture in arm's reach.


	5. All Hell Breaks Loose

**Author's Note:** Yes, it's back. And crazier than ever. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I must go amputate my hand. :D

--

Saïx's usual walk around The World That Never Was was usually a boring, nothing's-happening-what-the-hell-I'm-so-bored type of walk. With Marluxia walking with him, though, it was a whole other freaking ballpark.

"Oh my gosh, Saïx, let's go visit Zexion! We can tell him about my poor flowers. Maybe he can save the last flower, and like, marry me to it. I even have a flower-sized tuxedo for it."

Saïx growled angrily.

"Or, like, we can visit Larxene!"

Saïx went running off into a random, non-existant field, screaming loudly for Number Eleven to shut up.

Marluxia scoffed.

"Fine! Like, whatever! I'm gonna go visit Vexen!"

Saïx screamed in an uncharacteristically high-pitched voice as he ran back to Marluxia.

"No! You're right, let's go visit Zexion. I'll be your best man, okay? Just leave Vexen alone or he'll skewer our balls and feed them to some random chocobos."

"…Okay?"

"Okay."

"_Ooookaaayyy_?"

"OKAY ALREADY."

Marluxia, in his slightly-girly and oh-so-drunk manner, pulled Saïx by his arm back into the castle.

--

Demyx stared at the TV, wondering aloud about the wonders of daytime soap operas.

"Zexion, do you think Laila's long-lost twin sister's older cousin's evil clone will marry Mr. Brad Pitt?"

Zexion made a noise like he was choking on a hamburger before staring at him confusedly.

Yes, that's a word. I looked it up.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, none other than the girliest man in the organization and the resident ass-kisser burst through the door.

"Guess whooo!" Marluxia chimed (Though, Marluxia's voice can't really sound like much of a chime, unless you count a wind chime made of Sea Salt ice cream in a tornado. Kind of a **SPLAT-SPLAT-SPLAT** sort of sound).

Zexion stared at them.

"You?"

"Right!" He squeaked. "And guess who I brought with me!"

Zexion sighed and shook his head.

_I live with a bunch of lunatics_, he thought.

"Him."

"Ohmygosh, you're right! Do you have an IQ of like, a billiondy-zillion?"

Zexion then took this as an opportunity to leave the room through the other door.

About two seconds after Zexion had left the room, Marluxia threw Saïx on the couch, who landed on Demyx, who landed on the floor, which made a sound that could implode Xemnas.

"Holy-" Screamed Demyx.

"-Crap-" Yelled Saïx.

"-Crackers!" Squealed Marluxia, clearly on some sort of illegal substance that just hasn't been discovered yet.

Saïx jumped up, staring at the cracked floor and knocked-out Demyx.

"We're doomed."

Saïx turned around to the direction he guessed Marluxia was standing, but quite conveniently, Number Eleven had left the room.

Now, let us just say that Saïx calmly addressed the situation. When in reality, he had a complete temper tantrum that involved ripping up the couch and chopping the TV with his claymore whilst simultaneously giving piano lessons to Xigbar. _Upside down_.

But that's a whole other story.

--

Vexen stared at the poor, used-to-be-bleached-white wall.

Why was it such a magnet to stains? Surely, Xemnas would kill him for messing up his perfect walls. But what was he supposed to do if the chemicals in his lab just randomly decided to implode at the sound of Marluxia's nasally voice?

"Vexy, come on! We have to go to the living room! The floor is in trouble! Oh yeah, Demyx is, too."

Vexen sighed and banged his head against the table. This would be the part where the world's smallest violin starts playing, and there would be subtitles that say, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

Despite Vexen's desire of a self-imposed head trauma, Marluxia somehow managed to pull him out of his lab by his elbow.

"I can even hear Saïx playing the piano! Come on, before he explodes!"

Vexen noted, as they got closer to the Living Room That By No Means Was, he actually COULD hear music.

But it wasn't a piano. The source of the music was…

"_Hola, soy Saïx! Tengo gusto de enchiladas de los nachos que va el perro árbol de corteza y hay un lobo en su oído izquierdo_!" Saïx sang in a nauseatingly high-pitched voice, as Xigbar decided it was fun to stomp on the piano keys and listen to the THUMP-THUMP-THUMP racket it made.

(Hello, I am Saïx! I have the taste of enchiladas of the nachos that the dog goes crust tree and has a wolf in its left ear!)

What. The _hell_.

Demyx, in the meantime, was having a jolly good time being unconscious on the floor. Even in his unconsciousness, he looked like he was ecstatic. I guess watching fifty hours of soap opera a week must do that to you.

Either that, or he was just hoping that Zexion would give him CPR.

Saïx went on with his irritating song.

"_Xemnas tiene gusto de las uvas! Tengo gusto de la empanada! Todos tenemos gusto del helado! Los gustos del helado tienen gusto de Xaldin_!"

(Xemnas likes grapes! I like pie! We all like ice cream! Ice cream tastes like Xaldin!)

Zexion decided to, at that instant, wander back into the Living Room. Yes, it's capitalized. It's just awesome. I mean, who else has a pole in their living room?

…Just… don't ask.

The scene set before him made Zexion want to have another meeting with his breakfast.

Vexen and Marluxia were staring at Saïx (although, Marluxia's gaze somehow migrated to Vexen's backside), who was singing an annoying song in Spanish that made no sense. Xigbar was stomping on Luxord's beloved piano, and all the while Demyx was lying unconscious on the cracked floor. Oh yeah, and Axel was randomly pole dancing. Also, somewhere in Castle Oblivion, Xaldin was spearing a plastic flamingo.

Isn't that just a lovely picture?

Ahem... anyway.

Demyx was getting tired of lying on the floor. He wanted attention. No, he wasn't trying to be an attention whore, but seriously… if someone were unconscious, right in front of you, shouldn't you at least take notice of them?

Luckily, someone sane did take notice of him. Probably the only other member in the whole organization that wasn't on an illegal substance (well, who's counting steroids, anyway?).

Zexion poked his forehead.

"I know you're faking."

"Aw, shit." Number Nine sighed.

"El zexion quiere ir al cuarto de baño!" Saïx sang.

"I do not." Zexion retorted, scowling at him.

"Usted hace sí!"

"Since when did you learn Spanish?"

"No sé."

"HOW do you not know?"

"Xemnas envenenó el Axel con un cepillo de dientes."

"…Who cares?"

"Alimenté las uvas de Xemnas en sus sueños."

Zexion pretended to ignore that last perverted comment. Whatever it was.

Marluxia, in the meantime, found use of his free time and was now planning to get some flower-bondage on with Vexen. It was, of course, a plan only HE knew about.

Poor, poor Vexen. We'll miss him. Seriously.

On the other hand, Demyx was bored. Very bored. So bored that he decided to go outside and finish drowning Marluxia's last flower.

Again, at the mention of Marluxia, I'd like to say that we will miss Vexen dearly.

--

Xemnas paced the white floor, under the white ceiling, next to the white wall, and in the white room. The white rug made a white stain on his black shoes, and he cursed loudly.

He needed more bleach. And maybe some zebra streamers.

Subsequently, he remembered the Zebra Party he was supposed to be having with Saïx.

Xemnas's memory had never been the best, but what can you do in a castle that eats memories for breakfast? And lunch? And dinner?

The Superior sighed and stared at his shoes. It is said that staring at your shoes gives you great ideas. It is never said who said that, or why they said it, or if they even said it. Maybe Xemnas just liked to make things up like the crazy man he was.

And that, children, is why nobodies should never, ever, EVER do drugs.

But that's a whole other story entirely, which includes Saïx suddenly speaking Spanish, Zexion marrying Marluxia to a flower, and Axel becoming a cheap stripper.

But it all works out, doesn't it?

…

_You wish._


End file.
